The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
