Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
