So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
