i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize