tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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