we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You have to summon your inner elephant
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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