I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
