It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
