I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
