i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
