Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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