Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
