We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
