He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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