I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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