What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
