dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
if only i could text you this smell
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
