you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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