I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
They took my balls.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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