just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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