If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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