So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
