You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize