you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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