my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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