i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
