Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize