just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
