my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
