he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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