I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Randomize
