Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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