cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
