Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
