True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
