i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I enjoy the company of your penis
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
