Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Acid is not a monday night drug
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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