I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
