i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
