Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
