please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
