you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
