remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
