I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
