YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
