he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
