i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
