he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
