i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
