YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
