I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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