My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
