Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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