I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
