You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Pants are for mortals
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
