I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
