Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
