his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
